failure

I got my grades for school today. I passed my class. But it didn't feel impressive at all. I kind of feel like a failure.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: Control by Metro Station]

"Get ready for me to blow your mind."

1. I just bought a bell for my bike. It goes ring ring! I think I may have annoyed the guy at the bike shop cause I just kept ringing it. "Ringringringring." Whoops!

2. School started yesterday. I'm taking good 'ol American History. Boring class is boring but its only six weeks. So I'll shuffle along through it and dream of Burning Man while taking notes about dead presidents.

3. I have a friend crush on this one girl. I told her the other night when SWIM was playing with chemicals. She said she would take me out any time. I went all red in the face and stuttered a few times. She's the first girl I could actually see myself going out with. <3

"Bi-sexuals are selfish." 

"No they aren't! They just want to share their love around. ;)"

Sorry if this blog is choppy and short. I wanted to update but wasn't feeling like writing much today.

BREAKING NEWS: Prancing around in a tutu has never been so much fun! Tutu Tuesday on the Playa. I can't wait!

COMING SOON: Bike riding around home town and Tiki Tiki party.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: Jenny by Flight Of The Conchords]

no title.

An accident may have possibly ruined a friendship and more. Fuck.

Happiness

Last night you tried to get inside me. I had to tell you no 8 times. I began to cry cause your my friend and I want you happy. Please be happy.

[Current MP3 Playing: As The Rush Comes by Motorcycle]

head box broken?

In a dark corner of the whale's stomach now. Shaking palms and whispering voices. Twitch here, shuffle there. Coming up for air, breaking through a thin layer of plastic. Opening your crusty dust filled eyes and rubbing your eyelids with dirty fingers. Covered in compassion and plagued with guilt. Twitch here, shuffle there. Reaching in your pocket to find an empty space were nothing resided in the first place. Doesn't matter. Fumbling through the black void to find you. Reaching, stretching, crawling, pulling, pushing. Slipping into wet mud, sinking. Devouring. I don't know. Its gonna eat you up, drag you down, gonna get all that you asked for. Nothing is making sense in my head box.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: "Lightswitch" by Dredg]

because wisdom and knowledge are two different things.

Picture by Vitaly S. Alexius (http://svitart.n-tek.ca/)

stop thinking about her, 

stop chewing your lip, 

stop smoking your cigarette, 

stop sitting and twiddling your thumbs, 

stop talking about the weather, 

stop being angry about stupid shit, 

stop pacing because your nervous, 

stop.  

have you ever just stopped and thought: "man it feels good to breathe?"

BREAKING NEWS: Girl sort of breaks up with boy without realizing it.

COMING SOON: Cooking for friends.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: Saviour by Dredg]

Af-f-f-ection

1. Everyone around me is hurting. Emotional pain seems to be the hot item on the menu this week. Suicidal boys, bitchy crying girls, relationship problems, ICK.

It makes me really sad. I just want everyone to be okay and happy. This is summer time and all I hear is "god, I just want to move away." WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE. Snap out of it! Summer = a time to crack out of your shell and run free!

Don't you remember when you were a kid and you couldn't wait till summer came? A chance to ride your bikes around, stay up late and have sleep overs, no homework at all.

Nothing has really changed much! Your older now so you can drive and sleep overs can consist of having drinks and maybe sharing intimacy time with a significant other but really its still the same. It's time to release your inner child again.

Please don't be sad anymore. I want to lay on the beach in the sun with you.

2. I think my dreams are trying to tell me something. During the day I'm relaxed and I just don't care about anything. I have fun and my brain just shuts off to negativity for the most part. But my dreams are anything but. I'll dream about a unknown boy telling me he loves me and wants to be with just me. When I awake there is no one there. And while my heart tells me I don't want anyone, I think my brain can't understand that. 

I just...don't know. So into to the dusty chest these thoughts shall go.

BREAKING NEWS: "Is this really what a day is like for you? Just drinking and sleeping late?" ...That stings a little.

COMING SOON: I want to go swimming.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: Breathe Me by Sia]

Panic!

Picture by Elena Kalis (http://www.elenakalisphoto.com/)

I woke up all twitchy and nervous. Tumbling around, caught in the many blankets. Accidently kicked or jabbed the wall I'm sure.

I can't be sure what I was dreaming about. But I remember the feeling. Scared, alone, vulnerability at its finest. Take a deep breath, process your surroundings. When I officially opened my eyes I was alone and the smell of spices and garlic were in the air.

BREAKING NEWS: Handcuffs can fit around ankles in a kinky fashion experiment.

COMING SOON: Summer classes at local community college start up in two weeks.

[CURRENT MP3 PLAYING: 24 by Jem]

your another minute older.

CRRRRASH!

You are a collaboration of everyone you have ever met for better and for worse.

Sit on that and think.

troublesome thoughts.

Everything feels so good right now. Like sticking your feet in a cool stream on a hot day. Laying in a grassy field on a slightly windy day. Magic.

But there is a thought that is troubling me. Makes me get all nervous and anxious. Its a subject most girls all go "oh jeez" over.

Boys.

Yes! Boys. Stupid silly boys.

They can be your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time. They can bring you unlimited joy and pleasure and they can bring you pain. Six shades of pain. :(

I'm trapt in this weird state of being when it comes to boys. I'm not in love with anyone right now. But I am seeing someone. We have this interesting relationship that to any onlooker would be seen as purely physical but I think it has a deeper connection then that. You could just easily call it Friends With Benefits I guess. But I don't really see it that way. It's not love, this I know, but to give it words seems too hard.

There is another boy too who is crazy about me.  A boy who I don't really have any feelings for and he's so damn nice and cute and its breaking me inside to see him look at me with those puppy dog eyes. It probably didn't help either that we ended up hooking up two weeks ago. Yeah I know. I am an idiot at times. Blame it on the alcohol?

I just don't know what to do or how to feel about things like that. So I just hide them in my secret chest and let the dust collect. Probably not the best idea but hey, its working so far.

I just want to feel simplistic.

BREAKING NEWS: Girl burns cute boy with cigarette on accident. Sign to stop smoking?

COMING SOON: Jungle party with the wild monkeys, exotic birds, and one pink gay tiger.

[Current MP3 Playing: We've Got Everything by Modest Mouse]

A time for tears?

Tonight was a goodbye party for a friend of mine Shane. I've known him for three years and he's leaving for Colorado. We yelled surprise and brought out the whiskey. There was laughs and there were tears. Mainly from me. I didn't even think I was going to cry and then I did. 

Blubbering Wendy was all blubbery. :(

[Current MP3 Playing: Secret Oath by The Spill Canvas]

Casual update. Nothing artsy about this post. Baaaaa.

1. I'm really into music right now.

More so then usual and I'm usually already all about music.

"You are the music queen."

Yesterday in the misted of me doing nothing, I download some music from a handful of various bands.

I also organized my iTunes and deleted some bands I never listen to that my ex-boyfriend put on my iPod.

It felt productive in a "hey, your not being productive" way.

(If anyone ever reads this, let me know what your currently listening to cause I may just want to download it.)

2. I'm also trying to get my weight down and get in shape before burning man. When I went to the store to get ingredients for lunch today I contemplated grabbing a candy bar for dessert and then decided against it. I was so proud of myself! It made me feel awesome ...till I looked in my cart and saw I had a Pepsi and a Crush in there as well. And I didn't put them back. :(

!@#$

But I am trying. When given the chance I walk a lot more then drive. I'm using my camel pack to drink more water and trying to cut back on smoking. So far just one cigarette today!

3. I had a crazy dream last night involving friends of mine and ex lovers. Everyone kept shifting into someone else. It was hard to figure out just who was who. Kind of like in A Scanner Darkly when Kenu Reeves' character who is hiding his identity wears the suit that changes every second. I remember feeling lost and slightly scared. Potential dream meaning? I don't know. 

I've been so happy and care free lately I don't even want to dwell on it. Just rant in this blog then forget. BAM. Forgotten already...

[Current MP3 Playing: I'll Meet You There by Owl City]